| over and over and over |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|06:18 pm] |
the same emotion.. it just gets stronger than it ever had before..
and next thing we know we are over and back to where we were before
take it all in... just let the tears flow this time.. i quit pretending |
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| its the same mistake |
[May. 17th, 2006|04:27 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | bro playing guitar | ] |
I always here that there's a purpose for everyone.. its whether or not we serve that purpose.
On another note.. im finally slowly crawling out of this dark hole ive been in for a while. making the same mistakes as i always do... 6 months on 6 months off. Why am I drawn to self destruction? I'm better than this...or am I? Everything thats wrong for me i crave. There is something wrong with the fact that i slowly live my life... thinking its for something and really im just here. Life gets harder as you get older and i never realized it till now. Im stuck in this rut and Im trying to make the best of this. I should be happy... because in reality im truely blessed!!!
You always find your way back to me.. despite the last conversation, whether it was yesterday or 2 months ago. Either through a person...through a friend...whatever. Reminding me that your still there. How can i care about something that i hated. I dont like you so why are you still around? Why are you still haunting me.
Speaking of haunting... im doing better with the whole move on thing. I started having the nightmares again...but they have faded and im not thinking about the "incident" as much
I can get through anything.. i know that... im aware of that.
...will finish later
....now is later....3am later...
Ok so as you can tell by my last writing's i was in a HORRIBLE mood...let me tell you...the only reason was because i ran into "him" yesterday and it was really hard for me for some wierd reason. i feel much better now. I hung out with old friends tonight..thats always cheers me up. OKAY... so about the good things...JOB HUNTING (because i failed my classes.. my parents REFUSE to let me take summer school.. i should be grateful right? WRONG. i know alllll summer they will be rubbin it in my face..but COME FALL.. i will show them!) so.. i had an interview at a salon right by mission inn and it went rather well..she even gave me a tour. its funny cuz i totally remember going there when i was a little girl for my mom to get her hair done..and having the makeup lady do my makeup..EVERYtime... annnnnd i took my resume in to a boutique nearby (jess USED to work there b4 moving to LA so maybe she can help me out)...its not that i want to leave express.. because i really dont..buti feel its time.
Although i lost my best friend ever..im looking at positive things and realizing that im so grateful to have so many that love me. God bless her and i wish her the best!
ill post pics later~party at jens...cinco de mayo...last weekend..ect.
LOVE YOU ALL... cant wait till summmer! |
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| in math class |
[Apr. 26th, 2006|05:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
prooobably should be paying attention but im not
so here it is
...always...back where i started with "this" (i guess this could be the word used )
....craving some shopping
......not doing well in math (hence why im on the computer totally understandi ng what the hell shes talking about)
........want to go see ashlee live with fi fi anf pi pi and jennastine
..........applying to radio stations all over so cal~ we shall see where that goes
.............want to start volunterring this summer at loma linda hospital with little kids (if anyone knows about it let me know please)
...............my juddo is getting better...so trip to lebanon this summer WOO HOOOOOO and to nashville with mom...long story!
.................im bored and i STILL need to put a new pic on here but im soooo smart i deff KNOW how
....................in conclusion i love christian barbosa! |
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| a little update on life.... |
[Mar. 29th, 2006|08:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
....This weekend i had a little Escapade...and my friends got the PRIVILEDGE of witnessing a melt down. Alcohol poisioning some call it. i came to the conclusion that i am falling. I ALSO CAME TO THE CONCLUSION WHO MY TRUE FRIENDS ARE... I KNOW NOW THAT SOME FRIENDS TAKE CARE OF ME AND OTHERS "DONT WANT TO BE BOTHERED WITH YOU"...takes people tough times to realize what TRUE means in TRUE friends. i also have been Falling from my walk with God. Falling with my morals. Even more importantly falling from who I am as a person. I WILL NOT doubt who I am because of someone any longer. I WILL NOT admit i feel crushed because i know i need to move on from "him". AND i certainly will not cry ANYMORE over someone who says they care....but obviously is OBLIVIOUS to how horrible I feel. EFF YOU i will now say. Not only that... but I am done drinking,ect...and i will now work my way back to where i was before!
....spring break is on its way and either two things can happen... I can stay home and go to the beach, shopping, disneyland, ect. or i can go to lebanon for a week and visit my family~ the reason behind the lebanon trip is because my grandpa is sick in the hospital. "They" say he wont make it... I WOULD LIKE TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE!!!!!!!! My juddo is a SAOULI...he will be okay.
....thurs lately have been my work day. 8 to 5 then i shall go to a "Youth AA" meeting to see if thats what i really need?
...Friday is a school day like any other andi will go to the beach with amber and sort some stuff out.
....my mom and i have been getting along lately quite well..lets see how long it lasts
....im crushed and the person doesnt even know they are doing it
....Me not having my phone has been a good thing. Im rethinking things and i kind of like this weeks get away... its making me stronger... making me realize what and who i should..... |
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| not as in love as i thought.... |
[Mar. 21st, 2006|09:15 am] |
maybe she was right...
maybe you are wrong.
and maybe i just THINK i love u.... for some reason... i feel the need to "MOVE ON" too.
PS....i feel nothing and its strange. (for YOU...and the fact that my dad will be moving again overseas...for good.) |
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| yoursafewithmenow (edit) |
[Mar. 5th, 2006|12:52 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
OKAY.... its almost 1 am and i JUST now got home from a meeting at work. fun TOO! My fav sidekick and one of the managers made visors for everyone to "EXPRESS" their personalitys...yah EXPRESS get it? Ha ok... ne ways... Pi yoo~ hot jen~ jennastine and Michella are coming to get me so we can go to some LAME party where i can PRETEND like i am enjoying people i havent seen in ages.... SOMEHOW its fun!! i promise....
Edit: so the rest has gone to hell. night wasnt even worth discussing.
1. the simple life IS being taped in Moreno Valley (box springs)...why the hell would nicole richie come to mv... i could see paris here SHE BELONGS HERE (cough trash)
2. I feel alot better than i was feeling...THATS A FOR SURE
3. I need new sunglasses. I decided today.... i looked up some online and IM NOW SOOOO excited!!!! Oh yah... i need some jeans but i swear...i have to try on at least 50 to fall in love with one.... i need to be in the mood!
4. Im still in love....
5. I need a nap.
6. Linz is finally home. (on another note...thank you to my lovely girls for setting me straight. i was falling "in a black holeeeeee" annd i needed a little boost. I LOVE YOU BITCHES!!!!
7. Im currently doing horrible in all my classes :(
8. Im addicted to ......
9. I still need new jeans and sunglasses and LASTLY.......
10. IM TRYING OUT FOR THE REAL WORLD ;) |
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| LETS PLAY.... |
[Mar. 2nd, 2006|10:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
ill talk you listen.
these games only last for so long wouldnt you say?
nothing is perfect forever.... |
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| poopppeeeeeeeeee |
[Feb. 25th, 2006|11:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
SO I DECIDED IM REALLY IMMATURE..... i like it though
...i went shopping ALL DAY with pi yoo.... i bought some lunch thats about it.
...i had fun last night with michella and social jen then jennastine and pi yoo. i met a guy named croth...YAH FOR REALS. pretty entertaining. |
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| GRRR |
[Feb. 23rd, 2006|12:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
WE have Been here before. I know its not hard to remember.
Although this is diffrent this time around... i like it here.
Im scared...its unsafe to be this close...
Is this going to be okay??? OR are we doing this for the wrong reasons once again...
Convince me this is just emotions......we are here because of all the right things!
ON ANOTHER NOTE: i just did this WHOLE entry and it deleted...im mad
here are some pictures from that past couple months...sorry i
hate doin pics on here for this VERY damn reason
Pretend Photo shoot with Amber.....good times..
here are the only two i REALLY like excpet my hair likes to get big at the beach
This past weekend: a little crazay
Not my best look...Me michella..GABee POO POO HEAD...julie sylvia and Cher.....the guy in the back with no name..ive never seen him in my life...
Valentines Day....Linz came home for a day...kc linz me julie leesh
we got the tired look goin on...julie my favorita sidekick and i at disneyland
(Julie + Alia + tryouts+ March = A HOT JOB at disneyland
"This is a Cold Frat Party with COLD men...lets go PLEASE"
michella me sylvia...first time i was the party pooper when we all went out...write that date down!
filla had a birthday party so i decided to stop by quick...by then every1 was passd the heck out
....jazzmine....pi yoo and i decided to draw pretty pic on everyones faces...
HB beach...matty and i
same night...another day that linx came home for a night... yay
leesh linz me and julie
Lastly....Lizzy and I reppin for some company no one knows about
......we arent the bro hos you are witnessing...
we JUST wanted free drinks at some club and extra attention for a night
(we were the only hot ones there)
that is all...
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| i have to take five steps back before i can take 1 step forward |
[Feb. 18th, 2006|06:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | curious | ] |
SO.... it wasnt plesant it was AMAZING......
i know i should go back to ..... but its hard. I DONT Want to. im not ready. so do i keep falling? i keep going backwards...will i stop or will i start its scary that one convo...can make me crave something that is totally immoral. im disgusted with myself.....but it feels right for a short time so its worth it right? WRONG WRONG WRONG ( i need prayer)
on another note. (besides my confusion) im doing great. i havent been this happy in a long time. i want to stay RIGHT here. im scared to death...but my fear is only minor to my happiness. im back where i started...and i love it |
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| valentines day in complete |
[Feb. 15th, 2006|12:37 am] |
....next holiday PLEASE
ps.... i really did have a good day... the minor downfalls made it complicated. life isnt easy lets just say |
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| WHAT THE HECK!? |
[Feb. 9th, 2006|12:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
im starting to truely believe that something is wrong with me. I havent cried this much in soooo long...this past week i have been a TOTAL WRECK. i have these horrible ups and downs lately. its almost like i WANT TO BE SAD.
i knew i would start in this again...and i like it here. i feel safe. i want this....but then again is it worth it?
im causing myself so much pain and for what?
why does this hurt SO BAD?
why cant this just be easier?
why did i let myself DOWN?
WHY WHY WHYYYYY?
im completly in love with you....but love is NEVER enough.
im terrified |
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| life... |
[Feb. 5th, 2006|02:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  geeky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My Beautiful Life...Lindsay Lohan | ] |
.... this is starting to feel just right. lets stop here before i fall. |
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| lifes just a game.....i want to win. |
[Jan. 23rd, 2006|03:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
feelings have resided....then i stepped on them with my pretty shoe.
last night i came home super late with deciding i should just close because all the girls were doing floorset...and i had a horrible thought....
... who knew the thought would bring me to puking all the rest of the night...all through-out the night. i skipped school even though i have a ton of crap to do. i just threw it all up and threw this all away... but then again u cant throw a nothing away can u. |
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| hfdsjgndslnfkds |
[Jan. 19th, 2006|10:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
this is where it ends???
no this is where it begins...
This is a never ending game wouldnt you say???
i have this weird theory that boys are way more selfish then girls. I have things to back it up... including LIES!? all they do is LIE and whether you confront them or not about their LYING it wouldnt matter because they would still LIE! so no... dont tell me until you quit the lying i feel the need not to come clean to you about. Even if i had felt the same it wouldnt matter because you can tell someone everyday you care about them but truely dont... how can i believe you are being honest with me?
on another note...dashboard at ucr was fun. liz and i almost got beat up by a smelly larger girl. also the many fans i took pics of them with the band for... one was actually nice to liz and i (surprisingly because most were mean to us that night) we gave our extra backstage pass to....her face lit up like she won a shoe shopping spree to anywhere in the world. Good times with liz and repeatidly listening to lindsay lohans over and kieth urbans i will cry and having random cute guys parellel park her car becuase neither of us know how ha.
tomorrow is kc's birthday and linz already went back to paris to work so im butting in and playing big sister...her birthday was today but tomorrow a group of us are going to ooka and to see tristan and isolde... ill bring the cake candles and tissues....
Still on a job hunt...i keep calling the 3 places i want to work....i still like express too dang much....Okay all have a safe weekend...ill pst pictures another night
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| its just what it is... |
[Jan. 15th, 2006|11:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  envious | ] |
for so many years ive poured my life into to this journal whether its been a "private" and/or notprivate entry. i have recently noticed their is soo much to write about and i dont write it at all. Whether its how my day went or meeting someone new thats imapacted my life for the better.... are my online diary days over???
on another note:
...liz and i... dashboard and after parties with them on tues (thank God liz is the flirt she is and the back up vocals likes her and got us tickets...now we gotta work our way up to mr lead!!!)Dashboard is a legend...their old stuff not new!!!
...ive noticed ive been partying it up a little too much. im realizing why its best not too!
...im doing GREAT in school. Im starting to fall in love with it...sick..sad
...i think i like an old person
...tristan and isolde with mi padre today
...group presentation and im not even close to be done..im the leader int he group and i SUCK at it...yes and we are the first to present :( good luck to me |
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| homework |
[Jan. 11th, 2006|08:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cynical | ] |
...ill update later!
i have been meaning to... i just havent really had the chance nor the energy.
.....ill go on hating u......once more. ill cry... then ill forget and move on with my life as if you were never apart of it. you know the drill!
ps the hot bartender so totally called AHHHHHHHHH wilmes mari dotti and i are sooooooo hangin out with him |
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| 2006 |
[Jan. 4th, 2006|05:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tiny vessels Deathcab | ] |
it has been awhile i must say.
i am currently in "the writing center" at school and i have learned that i must spend 18 hours in this damn room by the end of the 5 weeks that i shall be attending. WELL i must say that is CRAP. annnnnnnnnd i found that MYSPACE has been BLOCKED from this computer... so i felt the need to cry. 18 hours on a computer....and no myspace? what is the world coming to!
Okay so ive been busy so i havent much updated this thing(although i update my myspace a hundred times a day!) Im having writers block so my book is on HOLD like crazy. Im excited of the new year. My Christmas in cali was PERFECT. im currently in class from 9 am to 6 pm for 5 weeks...not including finals. Sadly im having fun. I was supposed to take classes at the MV campus with sara jennastine and michella but i decided otherwise and have realized that being by ones self isnt so bad. I kind of like alone time!
On another note im still on a job hunt and still on the "mtv" hunt as erica would like to call it.
...ok... back to homework im lagging on. if anyone is up for shakeys tonight with the girls let me know... WHO GOES TO SHAKEYS N E MORE SERIOUSLY hahahah
kisses |
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aliascheern4u's journal
